Coming to terms with the fact that the people surrounding me right now aren’t going to stay, Hell aren’t really a part of my life right now.
It’s just so uncomfortable. Here I am in a foreign country with 23 other UW students, and EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS TRIP
- Are ROOMMATES
- Went to high school together
- Went to elementary-middle-high and college together
- Have had classes together
- Have been on club boards together.
- are literally siblings
And then there’s me. Quiet, awkward me in the background. Trying and failing to socialize. Not really having anyone here, and watching everyone else. It’s displeasing. Dumb. To the point where people don’t sit by me on the bus. Not even purposefully being rude. Moreso an unconscious avoidance. Damn. And the people in charge aren’t helping things. The second is awesome. The lead doesn’t like me. I know that. I’ve known that. I’ve tried. But after today I’m giving up. I stayed in today and didn’t go to the group dinner because I was feeling bad. She called me to let me know that my dinner wouldn’t be paid for since I was staying back. I asked around, and she/the program has paid for everyone else when they were sick and not at group meals. Idk what she was told about my absence, if she knew I was sick? Which she had to have though?? And if nothing else she didn;t ask. After days of people dropping like flies with illnesses, if she wasn’t fully aware that I was feeling unwell she could have FUCKING ASKED while she was informing me that I’d have to pay for my own dinner.
But no. I’m over this, I’ve discussed with people in the past the odd way in which nearly all of the minority folk have had issues with her and fuck this, don’t pay for my god damned meal. Understand that I’ve got it.
In conclusion, I’m pretty sure that if I just didn’t show up it would be virtually unnoticed, by the other women let alone the adults in charge of the trip. And that sort of sucks. Heavy sigh.
Ugh, also radio silence from the bestie which I always find incredibly annoying.
UGH CHANEL, GIFT SHOPPING FOR YOU IS THE WORST AND THE BEST. THE BEST WHEN I FIND SOMETHING THATS PERFECT. THE WORST WHEN THERES NOTHING BUT CRAZY PATTERNS AND COLORS IN THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY AND YOU’RE SUBTLE AND CLASSY AS HELL AND URGHHHH.
UGH BRIAN, EVERYTHING IS SO ADORABLE AND DAINTY AND WHAT DO I EVEN BUY YOU??? EVERYTHING IS POINTLESS!!! BLGUGHGGG.
Ugh Rosemary/Michelle/Taylor/Adara seriously guys. I need to stop buying you things. I NEED TO STOP. ALSO like everything is either artsy in a Michelle/Rose way or just fucking badass in that way that Taylor/Adara manage so well, and I’ve reached a point where I’m just BUYING THINGS and will figure out who gets what later.
Though I appreciate the distraction from the gaping espanse of space betwixt me and everyone else. Retail therapy how I love youuuuu.